I may have mentioned a few dozen times already that I live in the woods.
What I have not mentioned is that my particular woods - my town, that is - require a five acre minimum for new homes. And of course when I moved here I built a new home. Because why not? EVERYBODY was doing it!
Thus I not only live in the woods but am situated on a pretty big hunk of land. If I had any brains at all, I would have selected a hunk of land completely out of sight of any other human beings. Mais non. My hunk of land is surrounded by other hunks of land owned by people who actually know how to take care of hunks of land.
To put this all together for you, I have no clue how to do anything remotely outdoorsy. I have never successfully grown anything. Actually that's not true - I did sustain a potted basil plant once for a whole month before I got bored with it and left it to die a painful scorching death in the August sun.
One time I tried to operate a lawn mower. That went so well that within a week I gave my lawn mower away and hired a service. I've also tried to construct and plant my own flower beds. Fortunately, there is a service for this as well.
What I am getting pretty good at is hiring other people to do my outdoorsy stuff, but this is a vicious circle. Services require money. Money requires working. If I wasn't working so much, maybe I could do my own outdoorsy stuff - but who am I kidding?
Once the snow finally melted, it became painfully clear that I would be further honing my hiring skills, starting with a lawn revival service. Most people would call this fertilizing. Unless grubs and crabgrass need to be fertilized, I am going to call it lawn revival. Because I basically have no lawn left.
So a few weeks ago I went through the motions of calling various services, gathering quotes, blah blah blah, knowing full well I was going straight to a name brand operation with this one because I do not have time to mess around with Joe's One Man Grass Growing, Inc., I am busy, people, and there is serious damage here.
Naturally, the name brand outfit didn't even see the need to come out and assess things first, so confident are they in their ability to grow lush Fields of Dreams. The whole service plan was designed in about ten minutes. Sight unseen, Mr. Field of Dreams concluded that I had a mole problem -which I don't - but there was no convincing him as he serenely dictated some tabasco sauce-based remedy that I tried to make it sound like I was writing down. Also I pretended to take some instruction about buying and spreading grass seed on the "bare patches" prior to my first "treatment." As if. The whole lawn is a bare patch, brainiac. At least until the weeds come in.
Today when I came home I saw the little Field of Dreams flag poked into the yard. My first treatment! Hanging on the front door was the note they promised to always leave me to communicate their "findings". Here's what my note says:
"Your lawn is almost entirely weeds and crabgrass."
Duh!
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6 comments:
You should leave a little note in return saying, "Dear Mr. State the Obvious, thank you for your incredible attention to detail."
So, are you going to go with a different service? A lawn revival sounds like just the thing you need. If it's anything like the church revivals I went to as a child, they should be able to raise the dead (grass) in no time.
Keep in mind, corporate services pay people way too little with minimum training and just enough recognition to keep them showing up every day.
One Man Grass Growing Service relies on his commitment to his clients good will, or his family doesn't eat next week.
~Alex
Well here's the thing - I hear ya, Alex, you old liberal. And I already use One Man Local Landscaping Service as payee on many checks. He does good work and he's reasonably priced and even better he lives in town. Yet not always so good at the whole Calling Me Back In a Timely Manner Thing. His threshold for feeling overwhelmed is a tad low. And I really don't want to "learn" about my grass, I just want it to grow and be green!
nMaybe when he comes back you should offer him a selection of tabasco sauces to see which one will take care of the crabgrass problem best. :)
LMAO--wow. Impressive work, lawnman!
That's one positive about moving to LA; all the rental homes come w/ a gardner that the landlord pays for! Which is good for us, because right now, I bet my lawn (while considerably smaller) could kick your lawns ass in an "ugly lawn contest"
From what I saw in San Jose, I have only two words on their landscaping style.
Con Crete
- No mowing.
- Quick drainage
- Nothing to be dragged inside on the bottom of your shoes.
- Easy to shovel snow from.
- Great for kids leaning to balance by reinforcing that fear of falling !
- Fry eggs on those hot summer days.
- Easy parking
Alternative: Sheep. Mowing and Fertilizer, in one fluffy package.
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