The Sitch In the...Kitch...With the..Twitch...!!!

Landed myself a spring cold this week. Missed a little work. Stayed in bed.

There's only so much a person can sleep. Also, no torture exists more painful than daytime television. This leaves reading. (It probably leaves other options, too, but who's writing this?)

I happen to be "between books" at the moment, so I crawled the floor of Fourth Grader's room yesterday morning in search of reading material. Came up with tween magazines.

Ah, tween magazines. If you have not recently indulged in them, they are a feast. They consist of little more than made-up words and exclamation points. Not to mention helpful advice from bazillionaire pop stars, who are precisely the wise and experienced people from whom my ten-year-old should be learning how to handle life.

Say she wanted to know, for instance, How to deal with boys. Why not ask Pop Star A, who once had total trubs figuring this out?

LUCKILY, dating guys like the Jonas Brothers has given Pop Star A a new confidence!

What a perfect solution! Anybody have their phone number? For my ten-year-old? Wait, she doesn't like boys yet. (!)

Never mind. Boys can give a girl the blues. Just ask Pop Star B!

Between her photo scandal and her ups and downs with Boy Pop Star C, she's def had a few rocky months! Unfortch for her, she can't always find true friends to confide in.

To whom, then does she turn?

To her mom, natch!

...Actually, I think I'm okay with that one. OK, Pop Star B, good answer. But lay off the photo scandals, 'k?

It's the exclamation points that got to me, really.

"How do you two get along?"
"We talk every once in a while!"

"What was it like to kiss Boy B?"
"We both popped a breath mint!"

Good lord, it made me tired. Plus, I'm apparently eating tic tacs with way too little enthusiasm, so I'll have to work on that now. It's always something.