It's graduation season, and so it seems only right that someone in my family should graduate from something.
So I have decided to promote Fourth Grader. Henceforth, she will be known as Twornado.
To commemorate this occasion, I have devised the Twornado Alert System. Others may use this Alert System to determine the presence of twornadoes in their own immediate vicinity.
Take cover if you experience the following twornado behaviors:
Child wants a cell phone. Child wants a camcorder. Child wants more holes punched in her ears. Child wants highlights in her hair.
Child wants and wants and wants.
Child cries if you ask her to repeat herself. Child cries if you say no or maybe or not now. Child cries if you make a joke. Child cries if you say hello.
Child cries and cries and cries.
Child sticks to you like velcro. All the time. Except when she storms away and slams her bedroom door.
People warn you about teenagers. Oh, they warn you all the time. "Just wait until she's a teenager," they say. "High drama!"
To which I say, Then what do you call this?
I'll tell you what you call it. You call it the purgatory of parenting. You call it the Phase Of Which No One Has Spoken. You call it TWEEN. It is real. And it makes a rattling sound.
Don't get me wrong. I love my Twornado. I do. She has many redeeming qualities. She also has about a thousand days to go until she attains an age containing "teen", and I really hope she makes it. But if I'm going to make it, I have to set small goals. So I have set two:
One is to make it through the long weekend. That's three unstructured days of wanting and crying. I will make it through with the help of a moderate quantity of liquor. For me, not for twornado, of course.
The other is to speak the truth of TWEEN. The silence must be broken so that others may prepare without fear. Also, so that I do not go completely over the edge due to bottling it up inside. Mostly that, actually.
I will add new warning signs to the Twornado Alert System as they become known. Stay tuned.
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3 comments:
Although you have about a thousand days to go, I thought I'd help you out with a name for the next phase. My Mom called it the teen-rage years.
Also, you know how they came out with the cell phone ring that supposedly could only be heard by the young folk?* Maybe the Twornado system should only be heard by old people so as not to upset the delicate sensibilities of the child activating the system.
*I could hear it! I must be a Spring Chicken!
The best and most accurate advice I received at the baby shower of our first child, on how to be a great and patient parent:
"Drink lots of alcohol"
Truer words have never been spoken.
Aria turned 3 back in February and she has reached the WHY stage of life. Every age is magical, and wonderful, and beautiful, and frustrating and horrible, all at the same time ;-)
I am so afraid. thank god I have you to blaze this trail (albeit the girly version of said trail).
I think I will spend the years from 2015-2025 fairly well lit, won't I?
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